right now i’m writing this feeling somewhere between feeling like im able to conquer the world if i just tried and the most unimportant, unaccomplished human who ever lived.
“He is thrust from light into darkness, and driven out of the world.” — Job 18:18
a sudden hyperinflation of the ego
i had a thought to myself the other day that my life was too good to be true
almost as if my subjective world must be too small for the greater world around me and my overall life to still feel all so great
and then it hit me, it just hit me like a train
i was enjoying life and all it was offering me soaking it up unsure why it was all so good despite nothing even majorly changing. my music sounded good to me again, sometimes it felt like i could visibly see the energy between another person and myself because my overall energy was so positive
“My lyre is turned to mourning, and my pipe to the voice of those who weep.” — Job 30:31
then it just hit me
i could’ve sworn i had no enemies and a negative thought from another person couldn’t even move me to release an ounce of a care from within because my life was just lived in a manner that really made every second feel like i won the lottery
and then it hit me
suddenly all the weight of the world came crushing down on my shoulders
i didn’t feel equal to anyone. i felt far lower than the lowest of men without even anything realistically happening for me to even feel this way
it just hit me
and it was out of nowhere, a moment ago my ego was nonexistent and now i can’t bare to imagine myself being perceived in the eyes of another. it’s like my existence is an embarrassment to life itself.
“I am a laughingstock to my friends; I, who called to God and he answered me, a just and blameless man, am a laughingstock.” — Job 12:4
that’s what it feels like in the moment i’m writing this.
but one thing i know. the life i lived was a good life. i was not perfect but looking back, i had people who truly loved me around me. people that i always looked forward to speaking to and that i was honoured to spend moments of my life with, even if it was in passing. i’ve come across many beautiful souls and the love i feel for them with never die. when im no longer here may these words keep this love alive.
i’m still holding on, waiting for the moment i can catch a ride on that train again where all that mattered were the things and people around me instead of these concepts and thought patterns in my head too big to wrap my mind around
ignorance isn’t bliss i know, and all these thoughts may follow me to the end of time i know that too but i stayed down and came up out of this before so i know i can do it again
if it wasn’t for the Grace of God, i wouldn’t have made it to those subjectively personal heights and witnessed the potential of the life that i’ve been given. though these thoughts may way me down and cloud my judgement, i trust this path im leading is still best course for me.
in this humbling moment and the next, i will do my best to remember the things i felt in moments past. I am forever grateful.
“I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath. What is man, that you make so much of him, and that you set your heart on him, visit him every morning and test him every moment? How long will you not look away from me, nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit? If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you? Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity? For now I shall lie in the earth; you will seek me, but I shall not be.”” — Job 7:16-21
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