grateful

for much of my life, i lived without truly ever considering the unique internal experience someone has with their perception of me

much of my life i’ve grown to disregard criticism or compulsion to avoid criticism and lived strictly on internal motivations, like even if it came to the point of doing good for someone, i still at the bottom feel like i was doing it for me in some type of way, whether it was hoping it will pay off in the long run or make me be perceived as a giving or reliable person or something, which even though objectively i am, subjectively somehow i feel like i’m never truly doing things for myself, this one life that i was given, maybe this is what is meant when they say nice guys finish last, i don’t know

recently though i’ve been understanding some deeper truths to my existence that aren’t so apparent to me on the surface level and one experience that stemmed from that was when i had my car parked on the side of the street in front of my house, to me, eventually its just become my car, nothing more nothing less but to someone else, this exceeds their personal perception of a “normal” car in ways i never really saw after i began driving it and living with it every day. But over the course of recording music at my window in the afternoon of a relatively “warm” february day, many people were out walking and through observation i saw that many people spent more time looking at my car or even seeing a little boy stop and walk up to my car even. to these people they might all have much opinions with their experiences, but seeing that little boy made me remember the way i saw the world when i was young. to me my car is nothing crazy but to him it was worth stopping and to others at least worth viewing.

this made me reflect on the quote, you don’ know what you had until its gone. i think that there could be more said than that. this experience made me consider that we might not know what we had even after its gone. i pray i’m at least able to find more gratefulness in life and all the good it offers before i die.