I’ve been curious in understanding romanticism in the modern age from a more literal perspective. Being able to make music, I set out on an ambition to, I don’t want to say indulge in the music, but I was, in a sense, be one with the music. Every day, it consumed my life in a way nothing else has been able to. Romanticism, you know, revolves around emotion and never in my life do I really show emotion.
Like, unironically, I am often in situations where I’m better off not showing emotion. Simply so I don’t get perceived, you know, in a way where it would negatively impact my chances in life. As a kid, I used to always show emotion and that got me into a lot of trouble. I was quickly labeled a troubled child and it really affected my walk in academia.
Eventually, by the time I moved to high school, I had switched schools, so it was brand new, everybody. I didn’t have to be that same person I was before. I didn’t have to hype everybody up and be the center of attention. I could just live in the background and be quiet and never get in trouble.
That was my main concern just going to this new school. I didn’t have any expectations to live up to. I could just really just get by with less stress and less problems. Eventually, it carried me into this person where even in the workplace, I struggle to connect with my peers or even talk and get to know life with another person.
I’ve always been reserved and first, writing generally about my experiences in life helped me get my thoughts and ideas out there. Music has been something where I’m able to pour out emotions, not just get something out of my system or vent, but pour out my emotions, pour out my thoughts. A lot of the music I don’t end up releasing for one reason or another, but in the past year, I’ve worked on a lot of music and through it, I’ve seen some sides of life that I’ve never seen before. I’ve really been able to explore my creativity, explore the world through the lens of that creativity and see sides of myself that I personally thought I’d never see.
Almost like the themes of Jekyll and Hyde with identity. There was times in this journey where I felt like I was living two different lives. Either I’d continue being the same person I was yesterday or let my emotions shine through in the things I do. When I chose to let the emotion shine through, it was like weights being lifted, like spiritually.
In this life, we’ve been so conditioned to following a certain path, but this journey allowed me to break free from seeing life as so rigid and structured. It did affect me in ways, negatively, I’m not going to lie. I did miss a lot of my classes, I missed some days of work even, just staying home working on music, but I genuinely loved doing so. Not every single moment was full of wonder and joy though, it’s a process.
Recently, I went into March thinking I was going to create a song every single day for the month straight and by then I’d have so much music ready to release all finished and good. But then as I kept recording, I realized things I didn’t like in my music, whether it was the quality of my microphone or the repetitiveness of my words or my enunciation, I felt it wasn’t bringing out this emotion that I felt inside of me. My music sometimes felt like there was no lived experience behind it, it was just words put together to sound like a song, and that bugged me. So, April 22nd, I got home from work and worked on a song.
I had said I wanted to do a song a day in March and I ended up doing maybe 12 songs and having this great bout of writer’s block lasting up till April 20th. As I attended a concert with my friend and on the way home he played this one artist that changed my perception on music. Along with the concert, seeing how I wasn’t able to generally vibe with every single song but I saw people were enjoying the music nonetheless, it helped me understand that as long as I like it, there’s going to be somebody out there that will like it. And they’ll like it either because they relate to it, they understand what I’m saying, or they just like the way it sounds, regardless of the reason.
It’s still able to touch their life in a positive way, despite it being brought about by the intense struggles that I faced mentally, physically, and emotionally in life. I’ve seen sides of myself that I never imagined, as I said before, and even moments looking in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person in front of me. This life stops making sense and all the structure that’s been built up in my mind just disintegrates into nothingness and everything loses meaning sometimes. There’s nothing I can do to change that, because at the end of the day everything does eventually fade into nothingness.
And though it hurts me, it allows me to produce sounds and words that help me relieve that pressure off my shoulders. And stand in a position where I feel I’ve overcome my demons.
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